Grief

A friend of mine from work died today.

Except she wasn't really my friend, I just wanted her to be. We were friendly, and given time I'm sure we would have been friends. She was bright, warm, fun, attractive, and great at what she did. I've only been working here for about a year, and she mostly ate lunch in her office and worked late, so we didn't have much chance to interact. But I have a picture of us together in front of the White House from a company trip on my cork board.

The rest of the office is really upset, especially my area of the building, where her team sits. She was in her late twenties, and the company hired her right out of college, so she'd been here a while. I'm told her heart just stopped. She was very fit, and this is quite a shock.

Company leadership is handling this great, allowing people to go home, giving everyone a place to congregate and grieve, and I think they're bringing in a grief counselor to help people through. She was very well liked.

I'm sad that she died, and I feel for my colleagues who knew her better. But I don't know what to do. I wanted to go make an appearance in the room where everyone is together, but the sorrow was so thick in there I couldn't even walk through the door. I want to be there for them, but I feel like a fraud just being there.

I know everybody grieves differently, but I guess I have no idea how to do it. Instead I'm just thinking about how if someone so young and fit can die suddenly, then life really is ephemeral. That's a sad thought, too, but it makes me glad that I've held very little back in terms of the life I'm choosing to live, the friendships I've made and maintained, the life I have with my wife.

That sounds selfish, to think about how happy I am in the face of sorrow, but maybe that's just how I deal with grief?